The Quasi Daily Journal of Jedediah Johnson

Happy Thanksgiving!

jedediahjohnson — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 19:46:21 +0000

So this year I’d like to give thanks for The Indianapolis Colts, Wild Turkey Bourbon, “The Ladies”, Nipples, Pornography, World of Warcraft (Though that one may eventually be the thing that kills me), Mosley Tribes Sunglasses, Panasonic (Makers of my favorite new camera), and Canon (Makers of my other favorite camera).

I’ve got to get to the grocery store so I’ll just let these two pages speak for themselves. Gobble gobble, Motherfuckers!

Too Gay or Not Too Gay. That is the question.

jedediahjohnson — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 21:23:02 +0000

So this was the night I met Candace. None of my friends had ever seen her and she was very cute so immediately we start trying to figure out the situation. What’s her name? Who is she friends with? And the all important does she have a boyfriend? Or perhaps a girlfriend? It turns out she came with a friend of a friend of a friend. After our very cursory examination we were pretty sure she was gay. There were some tell tale signs.
Short hair. Velvet jacket. A look that was leaning slightly to the masculine side of feminine. Now this is was makes me proud of us. We did not just take it for granted that she was a lesbian. We are aware that looks can be deceiving and we asked our friend to ask their friend to ask their friend if she was a lesbian. And the results came back straight. And I feel that I should mention now that once you knew she was straight, she definitely looked straight.

So let that be a lesson to you, kids. You can’t tell by looking. The only way to really tell if someone is gay is through a convoluted chain of rumor and hearsay. The American Way.

*I should warn you. I get a little serious after this. I talk about how the brain works. There’s only one joke really and its a little suspect as to its level of funny. If you bore really really easily and you’ve got a plane to catch I’d skip it until you’ve got nothing else to do.*

But seriously our human brains all operate in the same way. We navigate through the world by categorizing things. It is what allows us to see that though a pine tree and an oak tree look completely different from each other they are still both trees. This makes language way simpler. Imagine if we couldn’t categorize and every tree on the planet had a different name. Of course the categorization makes us also think that every black guy in a Ray Lewis jersey (Including Ray Lewis) wants to rob us. So its a double edge sword. I think that for a race that is handicapped by its own hardware, we humans do alright most of the time. Good for us.

Doing it with Sisters: Who wants to act in some HD Porn?

jedediahjohnson — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 00:45:46 +0000

Okay. I will begin by saying that despite what this journal page implies, I don’t have a fantasy where I do it with two sisters.
There isn’t anything particularly hot about that beyond the idea of doing it with two girls at once. Only child that I am, I have absolutely no concept of what having a brother or sister is like. Sure I have a half brother that I saw twice in the 90′s and a half sister that I really don’t remember ever seeing. But considering that I didn’t grow up with them I am for all intents and purposes an only child.
I felt it was important for you to know that before I go into the next part of this post where I tell you that if I had a sister and she was hot I would have very little problem doing with her if she was down and we took precautions to make sure we didn’t have any “differently abled” babies. Now I know what you’re thinking. “Gross.” Yes probably. But remember, only child. I’m sure that if I had a sister I would have a great deal larger problem doing it with her no matter how many precautions were taken. But I’m just saying that if I woke up tomorrow in a parallel universe where I had a sister but I still had all my memories from this universe so I couldn’t remember growing up with her, I would do it with her if she was down. Chances are she wouldn’t be because she’d remember growing up with me. Unless of course she also came from a parallel universe where she had no recollection of growing up with me. Then she’d probably be down. To be honest. That sounds kind of hot. Doing it in a parallel universe with the sister you never had’s parallel universe doppelganger that doesn’t remember growing up with you either. Yeah. I’m gonna make a whole genre of porn based on that premise. Who wants to act in some HD porn?

Money makes people Hot

jedediahjohnson — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 17:52:30 +0000

So let me give a little context to what is going on in these pictures. I participated in a class called Snap2. Basically the Pasadena Art Alliance sold portrait sessions with Art Center photo students. I believe there were something like 50 patrons that ordered portraits and in the end there was a show and art auction at the Armory Center for the Arts in Pasadena. These pictures are from that show.

The reason I feel I should mention this is so that you’ll understand who these ladies are. They are members of the Pasadena Art Alliance so you know a couple of things about them. They live in Pasadena. (Nice Homes. Expensive Neighborhoods.) They are into Art. (Probably pretty forward thinking) They have extra money to be giving to the Art Alliance in this shitty economy. (Rich Rich Rich.) They also want a 19-28 year old taking their picture. (Often into loose wild contemporary young art.)

This is the recipe for a MILF. Now that’s a term that I hate. But unfortunately ever since those assholes wrote it into the American Pie script we are stuck with it. The point is, these women we’re a little bit older and sooooo hot. Also, if you fell a little bit behind on your DSL bill and needed a couple of bucks so that you could keep playing Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 online, they wouldn’t quite understand what you were talking about but they’d cut you a check on the spot. They we’re really fun to be around. They make me want to start hitting the gym everyday and get a job cleaning pools. But alas I am too old to be exciting to them.

So I’m writing this to all the teenage boys out there. It’s all about bi’s, tri’s, pec’s, ab’s and lat’s. And don’t forget to work the glut’s. And I suggest that you get a pool skimmer and just head down to the YMCA and practice your “skim, wipe brow, skim, take off shirt, skim, slowly look up from your work to ‘notice’ her noticing you” over and over until you really get it right. Good luck, Men. We’re all counting on you.

Don’t look at me. I’m Hideous.

jedediahjohnson — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 06:58:29 +0000

As some of you may know I have some body image issues. And hey, who doesn’t these days? But I try not to let them run my life ALL the time. It is difficult to ignore however when a picture like this is taken of you.

I mean Jesus Christ! I look like a sweat machine that spent its entire life’s savings made producing sweat to buy a cheap suit and a pound of meth. I look like the guy that would make Dahmer dive off the elevator at the last minute. I look like a skeleton that has been dipped in layers upon layers of pure butter and cream cheese then lightly sprinkled with cinnamon and dirt which is not made up entirely of but does contain a large amount of dried powdered human feces. It looks like I slid under the grease truck at dumpin’ time.

But you know, whatever. I had a pretty good time at the Snap 2 show. I’ll talk about the old ladies I wanted to do it with that were there tomorrow.

Subtle inaccuracies.

jedediahjohnson — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 04:17:44 +0000

Look guys. I lie on here all the time. Do you actually think I did it with a prostitute in Sydney? No. I’m pretty sure it was some separate town or suburb or something. My point is this…

Let’s don’t nobody use these blog posts as a credible source for anything.

When I say people “did it” with other people that don’t mean nothin’. That could just be kissing or buying ice cream. It could also be sex but it could also be a lie for the sake of your entertainment on the internet or “internetainment”.

In the future if controversy on the internet or “interconteraversy” arises I will direct people to this page.

Remember. This shit is lies like Bokononism. Also Pregnancies may be Just My Imagination like Eddie Kendricks.

Red Lights : Red Lion

jedediahjohnson — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 19:27:14 +0000

This was a fairly laid back evening at the Red Lion. No drama. Just Drinking. The first picture is a commentary on media in our society and also a commentary on how my pictures generally all look the same. I am of course kidding. I don’t do commentary.

I have since learned the name of the girl in the second photo. I am still really attracted to her. Luckily I never see her so there will be no “complications” that stem from this my billionth crush. I should really try to sit down sometime and try to come up with a list of every girl I’ve ever had a crush on in my life. Impossible? Probably. Let’s do a little exercise list to find out.

*The list of crushes that followed has been removed. I started to feel really weird about it*

*That’s okay, right? It’s okay for me to feel weird about stuff right?*

*I hate this feeling.*

Okay. I’m getting tired of this. Which means you got tired of it 15 names ago. I’m going to think on this concept and possibly do something cool with it. I probably won’t though. The name of the girl in the second photo is Ghazal. Add her to the list.

I’ll quickly add this second page from the Red Lion. Everything I wrote here is true. They DO frighten me sexually. And that IS a deep ass Vee.

Let’s get out of Australia

jedediahjohnson — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 18:40:43 +0000

Alright. If you love me as much as I do, you will have noticed by now that I haven’t updated in like forever. I had a few more entries from Australia but after the whole prostitute thing I don’t really see a need for them. So… We will cut to the skies above the Pacific Ocean. As I recall the flight back from Australia was better than the flight to Australia. I had a more comfortable seat. And I got to watch Yes Man starring Jim Carrey. So. Score.

The sky does great things when you’re flying over the ocean. My camera was running out of power juice so as the view from my little porthole changed I had to quickly turn on the camera, take a picture, and turn it off again. These pictures were taken over the course of 7 hours or so.

Anyways. Then I landed in LA and happily got back to drinking heavily with stylish people in totally hip places. Yes it was chicks with long bronzed legs all the way up to their asses that aren’t afraid to show them off, and dudes with luxurious beards that seem to just go on for days and days, and gorgeously preserved hot rich women in their late 40′s that you just want to tell the salesman to gift wrap so you can take them home and put them under the tree as a present to yourself for Christmas but you could never afford a gift so lavish, not in a million years.

Yeah. That’s my life. And we will pick it up there tomorrow. I promise.

A funny thing happened in Sydney Australia

jedediahjohnson — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 18:21:28 +0000

So the way things worked out, Dan and his family had to go back down to Canberra the day before I was flying home from Sydney. So I basically had a night and morning in Sydney all by myself. In order to not ruin this three page narrative I will give you a moment now to look at these three pages of my journal to find out what happened. I will then return to elaborate.

Okay. Did you read all three pages? Good. Now I will go into a little more detail. And when I say, “a little more detail” I do mean a little. You see I decided to spend my last night in Oz slightly drunk. “Slightly” turned into “pretty”, which gave way “very” which ended up as “completely” which was put into the hospital by “dangerously”. I was dangerously drunk. So I don’t quite know how I managed to get to the prostitute alley of Sydney. But there I was shaking hands with a guy that was possibly African. African? For all I know he was Romanian. I didn’t really know what was going on. I just headed up the stairs to this place. They said they only had one girl available at the moment. I had a look said she’d be fine and stepped into the bedroom. There was a shower in the corner that she asked me to use before we proceeded. I had no problem with that. I felt a little dirty at the time for some reason so I gladly jumped in. Now, those of you who have seen me at my drunkest are aware of my habit of soaking myself in cold water when very drunk. It wakes me up and keeps me from getting sick. I made the command decision that now was the time to ignore that “hot” knob and just go for the cold shower. It was quite invigorating but did lead to no small amount of shrinkage which was a little embarrassing when the prostie did a quick mandatory health inspection on my junk. But I got over it and we warmed up with some massage. It was kind of a weak massage but I forgave her for that I knew there was sex coming. And then the sex came and I felt like I should have demanded a better massage. It was pretty awful. I now know what all those lab animals that have their semen extracted by scientists must feel like. This girl should have been wearing a white lab coat and rubber gloves. There was not even an attempt to fake any kind of passion. I don’t need much. I am very good at suspending my disbelief. I liked the movie Contact for Christ’s sake. But I got nothing. She hopped off the bed and left the room and I showered again. Then she returned and as I was putting on my clothes she started cleaning the shower. This was the point where if this was any other service I would be forced to demand a discount if not a complete refund. I mean, save the clean up for when I’m out of the room. Actually now that I think about it it wouldn’t surprise me if when I got there they were out of girls and just threw the cleaning lady at me. It was clear from her sexual ineptitude that this was her first day as a prostitute. But when you are born in the US you sign a social contract. And somewhere on page 665 or so there is the clause that you will never demand a refund from a prostitute. I think that JFK put that in there in the 60′s. Also I really shouldn’t complain because her cleaning out the shower with her back to me was my only opportunity to take the picture of her that you see in this blog post. So I guess things worked out alright in the end. Life lesson learned. And it is true that the Aquarium in Sydney is awesome. I saw a manatee. So satisfying.

If anyone has any I will now take questions in the comment section of this blog post. My guess is that one question I will get is “Jed, is all of this true?” The answer is that it is all true except for the part about me liking the movie Contact. It was bullshit.

Tomorrow will be better. I promise.

jedediahjohnson — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 18:01:47 +0000

So this is a picture of Sydney’s world famous Magenta Light District. This entry is from after we left Canberra and went back to Sydney to pick up Dan’s Brother and Sister-in-law at the airport. Before they arrived we checked out the ol’ “MLD”. It’s kind of a cross between Amsterdam’s Red Light District, That Fashion District in Downtown LA, West Hollywood, and the blue light special at Kmart. It’s all gay prostitutes wearing and selling clothes wholesale in windows for super low prices if you catch them at just the right time. The most interesting thing about Sydney’s Magenta Light District is that it was there even before the first settlers arrived in Sydney. It was originally just a handful of Aboriginal dwellings called “humpies”. A thin piece of kangaroo skin dyed in passion fruit juice stretched over a skylight cut in the top gave the inside of the humpy the traditional magenta glow. Of course the Aboriginal people used these huts for scared religious ceremonies. But after being at see for so long most of the new Australian’s settling in Sydney just used them for ass fucking and the Magenta light district was born.

The second most interesting thing about the Magenta light district is that I made it up. That isn’t very interesting. There is a big drop off between the most interesting thing and the second most interesting thing.

Yeah this was just some empty storefront with a magenta light in it. Peace.